I’m Done Dating for Potential: What I Actually Want in My 40s

There is something about turning 40 that makes you look at your dating life a little differently. Maybe it's maturity. Maybe it's experience. Maybe it's finally realizing that the person you think someone could become is not the same person they are right now. For a long time, I was guilty of dating potential. I could meet someone, see the good in them, recognize what they could be, and then convince myself that if we just had more time, more communication, or more patience, everything would eventually fall into place. But I'm realizing that potential is not a relationship. A person actually has to show up as the person they're telling you they are.


I've always been a hopeless romantic, so this lesson has not exactly been easy for me. I'm the woman who wants to believe in love, partnership and the possibility that two people can grow together. I've also historically been someone who didn't spend a lot of time in the dating phase. If I liked you enough, I could pretty much decide, "Okay, you're my man now." 😂 Looking back, I can see how quickly I sometimes moved from attraction to attachment without giving myself enough time to really get to know someone. Now, in my 40s, I'm trying something different: I'm actually dating.


Dating has taught me that chemistry isn't enough. I can be attracted to you. We can have great conversations. You can make me laugh. We can have amazing dates and undeniable chemistry. But if your actions don't match your words, eventually all of that starts to mean very little. I'm no longer interested in spending months trying to decode someone's behavior or convincing myself that mixed signals are actually a sign that someone is just scared to be vulnerable. At this point in my life, I don't want to be someone's detective.


I want consistency. I want someone who does what they say they're going to do. I don't need constant communication or someone who has to text me every five minutes, but I do want to know that the person I'm dating is intentional. If you say you're going to call, call. If you want to see me, make a plan. If you care about me, let your actions demonstrate that. I don't think that's asking for too much.


I also want someone who is emotionally available. This has become increasingly important to me. I'm not interested in trying to convince someone to open up, communicate or make room for a relationship. We're grown. We have all lived enough life to have baggage, heartbreak, disappointments and experiences that shaped us. I'm not expecting perfection, but I am expecting self-awareness. I want someone who can communicate when something is wrong instead of disappearing, shutting down or making me guess.


Yes, I want someone who has their own life. I've worked hard to build mine. I have a career, businesses, travel, friendships, family and passions that matter to me. I'm not looking for someone to come along and complete me because I already have a full life. I want someone who adds to it. Someone who has goals of their own, who is excited about what they're building and who understands that two independent people can create something beautiful together without either person losing themselves.


I also want peace. This might be one of the biggest differences between dating in my 20s and dating in my 40s. I used to think that butterflies, uncertainty and intense chemistry meant something was special. Now I'm learning that sometimes those feelings are simply anxiety. 😂 I don't want a relationship that keeps me guessing where I stand. I want something that feels safe, exciting, passionate and peaceful at the same time.


I'm also no longer interested in shrinking myself to make a relationship work. I love to travel. I love beauty, fashion, wellness and experiences. I'm ambitious. I'm independent. I'm sometimes extra. I have opinions. I have dreams that are bigger than me. The right person isn't going to make me feel like those things are too much. I want someone who celebrates them and has enough confidence in himself to let me shine without feeling threatened by it.


Most importantly, I'm learning that I don't have to date someone simply because I see their potential. Potential is wonderful, but potential belongs to the future. I'm dating the person standing in front of me today. Who are you right now? How do you treat people? How do you communicate? How do you handle disappointment? Are you kind? Are you honest? Are you intentional? Do you have the capacity for the relationship you say you want?


Those are the questions I'm asking now. I'm still hopeful about love. In fact, I might be more hopeful than ever. But my hope looks different now. I'm not looking for someone I can fix, save or convince. I'm looking for a partner who is already doing the work of becoming the person they want to be. And if that person happens to live in another city—or another country—well, thankfully, I have a passport. In my 40s, I'm not dating for potential anymore.


I'm dating for partnership.